I haven't been here in a while because I have been feeling very bad and guilty. I have been avoiding the topic of spanking because I know I have been deserving a *REAL* punishment spanking and you all know how very different that is. Let me explain from the start of my dilema....I was in a severe cranky and bratty mood, I was mad at the world for various reasons. I had just gotten into an argument with my daughter and when I left the house I really should not of been driving in that state of mind. I got in the car and I was beating on it (Driving very fast and going from zero to 60 at every light and stop sign when it was my turn to go) I was driving like a nut (I really am ashamed of my behavior) I know that I put myself and others in possible danger. The next morning (my behavior from the day before completly forgotten) I get the kids ready for school, go out to the car, it starts up fine, but when I was driving it was making a weird sound almost like a lawn mower. I was thinking *Now, what is this?* I mentioned the noise to Hubby but we didn't use my car for the rest of the weekend (This happened Friday morning) Hubby didn't get a chance to look at it because we were busy. On Sunday morning we went to Church with all the kids in His car, after service the kids had Sunday School so He decided to take me home and then drive my car back to get the kids so He could see what kind of noise it was making and what exactly was going on. He was gone about 15 minutes and I get *THE PHONE CALL* the car is stuck and won't move an inch. I won't go into all that took place at that time, but Hubby was not a happy camper. Fast Forward...the car is at the shop, takes a few days for the mechanic to look at it, we go up to talk to the guy and he says the transmission is shot. He was kind of scratching his head because Hubby is telling him that the car showed no signs of having a problem at all. The mechanic tells Hubby that he can smell that the transmission is burnt up and opens the hood for Hubby to take a whiff. Then it hits me, I beat the shit out of the car the day before it happened. *MEGA CRINGE* The mechanic is kind of shrugging his shoulders and asks if we had gotten stuck in the snow or ice, that maybe we burnt it out that way. AHHHHHHHH AN OUT! I chirp in..yes,yes...I remember, that is what happened, I got stuck in the driveway and I was rocking it to get it out (shifting it into reverse and drive) *LIES>>>LIES>>>LIES* Well now it is just getting worse and worser (LOL) it is going to cost $1000 (maybe more if problems come up) to get it fixed (which we couldn't do right then) We couldn't have the dealer fix it (the warranty just ran out and we were also 500 miles over the limit) I need a car because my 2 older girls are both in plays and they both have after school rehersals Mon- Thurs in DIFFERENT schools! OYYYYYYY We ended up having two of our Church members help with the girls for two weeks. And we towed my car home until we can fix it (the dealer let us skip two payments) and we picked up an ugly mini van for me to use (Hey! can't that count as my punishment) Lets just say the things that happened because of my recklessness has inconvienced a LOT of people and caused a LOT of problems. I have lived with this guilt for just about a month now, and I have had to keep up with my charade this whole time. I feel so sick inside. so last night while Hubby was rubbing my back at bedtime I told Him I had a confession to make. As soon as I opened my BIG mouth, I wanted to change my mind. But Hubby was determined to hear my confession. The tears were streaming down my cheeks before I even got the truth out. What hurt even more was the silence and the heavy sigh that He let out. He told me He loves me even though I can be so very bad. but I will be punished because I am totally out of controll. I know full well this is not a spanking that I will like. And the not knowing when it will take place is killing me! I just want it over with and be done with all these guilt feelings. I really have to go now, I am not supposed to be on the computer right now. (will I ever learn to be good?) I will return as soon as this is over.....with tear stained face and crimson cheeks, but I will be free of all that has been tearing me apart inside........